THE CARLY REPORT - Day 5

Alright, we are a day behind in our reporting so let's catch up. For Day 5 our traveling threesome landed just outside a place called Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, close to the entrance to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. Evidentially this area is also known as the home of Dollywood and it seems since its arrival the entire Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge Highway have been turned into a circus. Overall appearance was described as horrible and cheap. There are at least one or two pancake houses every block, junky souvenir shops, Elvis and hillbilly shows being advertised on billboard sized TV's...oh, and don't forget the HUGE replica of the Titanic, a space needle, and a building that looks like a bank building dropped on a house, all making for an overall cheap looking place...a complete side show. As tourists our travelers felt sorry for the people who lived in this beautiful country prior to Dolly's extravaganza and then having had to watch their hometown turn into a freak show. They even witnessed a couple of people with signs that read, "Shame on Dolly Parton!" Possibly in reference to the entrance to the park. On a good note, however, it was reported that it was considerably cooler and the plans for Day 6 are to tour the park. And now for The Carly Report...the dog's-eye view:

Dear SVC: Last night the park was great. Me and my humans sat outside quite awhile last night and listened to somethings called Sa-Kay-das. They were pretty loud. I also watched some fireflies which are strange little flying bugs with lights on their butts. She caught me a couple and let me sniff them while they walked around on her hand. They were okay but they weren't bunnies. I didn't see any bunnies but I did come pretty close to somethings called "cats". My humans watch some people they call "the Cats" on the big talking moving picture box a lot but these "cats" weren't like those "cats" at all. They weren't much bigger than bunnies and were just as fast as bunnies. She tells me that you are a feline and therefore a cat. I don't think I'd ever seen cats before. Maybe I did in my previous life but I don't know because I was only adopted by my humans a few months ago and I don't remember much about the time before except that I was not treated very well. We went walking in a nice big field when she picked me up and pointed up into a tree. I looked and there, just above my head, were two cats. One was yellow and one was black and white. They were watching me very closely then jumped down out of the tree and took off. I figured they wanted to play so I ran after them. That part was fun but hitting the end of my rope wasn't. When I got up and shook off, the "cats" were gone. I later saw one again but I was still tied up and couldn't quite reach it. It sat there and licked itself just beyond the end of my rope. She says it was "yankin' my chain". It did seem rather rude that it wouldn't come close enough for me to sniff it. I wanted to run and play with it. Why do those kind of "cats" not want to play with me?
Tonight we are at a really nice place, still in Ten-A-See, at a place called Great Smoky Mountains. It's beautiful with lots of trees and grass. There are birds called "Robins". We don't have those kinds of birds at home in Tucson. They run from me too. I like birds. I think there may be bunnies here. I want one!! She says we are going to be here two nights so we can take a hike tomorrow. I'm beginning to feel at home in the tin can. Maybe I'll call it my rolling home. Talk to you tomorrow, Carly

Dear Carly,
Well, well, well...my little doggie buddy has discovered the feline creature...the almighty, all superior breed known as the cat. See Carly, there is a whole other world out there beyond bunnies so keep your eyes and sniffer open. I'm afraid you have a bit to learn regarding the feline...your human is right when she tells you the cat is "yankin' your chain"...kitty does not want to play with you...but rather she wants to play you. Enjoy your hike tomorrow at the big park and remember...while you're bunny scoping there could be cat eyes upon you so beware.
SVC

THE CARLY REPORT - Days 3 & 4

Well, it sounds like Arkansas won't go down as the most memorable part of the trip. In fact, comments were not exactly favorable regarding the locals either. To top things off for day 3, our travelers experienced a rather intense downpour complete with rock-the-boat winds, a light show, sound effects, not to mention finding out the roof leaks. See, being from Tucson one can almost forget what rain is so no doubt the roof had not been challenged in awhile. So the natives weren't cool, the weather sucked and no Wi-Fi hook-up which resulted in no report last night. Yep, and they thought Texas was a trip. Okay, moving right along here is Carly's report from Day 4:

Dear SVC, Sorry I didn't get to report on Day 3. I wanted to but my people could not "get on" to something they called "y-fi". I'm glad to have finally gotten out of Texas although the scenery there that last day was green and lush but hot and muggy with MONSTER flies that were on my poop almost before I could get it out. I know things are supposed to be bigger in Texas but that's redickulous! I had a horrible time in a place called R-can-saw. It was green but about halfway through day 3, I'm chillin' out on my spot on the big soft dash of the rolling tin can when a few drops hit the glass. All of a sudden this big, long black thing sweeps across the view and scared me to death! I had to jump in to her arms. Luckily she caught me. Then after we get parked in some RV park behind something called a mo-tell-six, it was nice and grassy. I looked for bunnies but didn't see any - I WANT ONE!! All of a sudden dust is blowing, the tin can is rocking and then came horrible noises and flashes of light. I really didn't like that! I made her hold me! It lasted for hours, even after we went to bed. Then this morning the whole back end of the RV park was under water. I think there may have been snakes. I also think something is wrong with the people here. We had to go into a store and the woman there said they needed the rain. I don't see how because all the rivers are into the trees around them. I'm afraid the bunnies can't swim. My people said they think she was being "fah-see-shush". I think that's a term that means stupid! I decided I don't like r-can-saw.

Today we entered tin-and-see. We are at a really nice park outside Nashville. There are lots of big beautiful trees. I pee on them. There is grass. I pee on that. I haven't seen any bunnies but I'm sure there must be some. I want one. We sat outside while she baked something called brown-knees in her little outside oven. It smelled good but they haven't let me have any. I'd write more but I wanna go smell around for bunnies before it gets dark. Bye.

Dear Carly,

Yep, sounds like Arkansas was about as much fun as Texas. And what a bummer your people didn't warn you about the big black wiper swiping across your window. Bet that scared the pee-wad-din right out of you. Better ask for extra treats to calm your nerves. Pardon the pun, little doggie but...Aye, Chihuahua...if you weren't half Beagle you would have had a nervous breakdown by now. Between the wind rocking your tin bucket, the lid leaking, water everywhere outside, no bunnies in sight....what's a doggie to do? Well, at least Tennessee proved to be a better stop and you were able to send in your report...in between pee stops, of course. Can't wait to see where you mark your territory next! Watch out for them flies now...Sister VC

THE CARLY REPORT - Day Two

Day two has landed our travelers just outside Ft. Worth, TX. According to the female human, the male human finally decided to actually look at the map and consequently now they will avoid Mississippi and head out of Dallas to Arkansas. It was also reported that between Van Horn & Ft. Worth it was very flat like Kansas, very brown with the exception of the occasional stubby green bush spotted along the way. Luckily the RV park had plenty of green grass and shade trees making the de-bugging of the giant windshield much more do-able in the heat. Now here is our canine on the scene with her nightly report:

Dear SVC:
Thanks for the write back. Funny you should mention watching what I rub in. This morning on my walkabout I found something particularly smelly and started to rub my neck in it but my human chick gave my leash a sharp tug and pulled me away from it. Don't know what it was but looked deliciously like a petrified dead bird! So far I've managed to keep from getting the wipe treatment. My human chick did stop at some really big store called "WaaaMart?" and got some of that Dee OO Der Ant which she really wanted and it sure has helped her disposition today. She was given the oppurtunity to drive the rolling tin can but HIMSELF kept reacting negatively every time she hit something called a rumble strip. I didn't like the noise either. She gave up and let HIMSELF drive. Like as if driving this thing is easy!!
I forgot to mention that at the last place, not only were there flies that bite and incredible heat but there were these horrible things SHE called "stickers" that kept poking holes in my paws. Luckily she was able to quickly read my 3 legged walk as something being wrong and pulled out the offending "sticker" I don't like stickers!
I saw a bunny rabbit in the RV park this morning and I really raised a loud fuss. I wanted it! I know what they are because I see them and smell their poop in the park where we walk at home. I always want them. I kept a close lookout while rolling down the highway for another one and I saw a REALLY BIG one. I wanted it! She said it wasn't a bunny but was something called a "Horse". Looked like a big fat bunny to me and I wanted it!!
The tin can is cooler tonight. Hope that means she'll stay in a better mood. They made burgers for dinner and let me have a taste. I like this part of Texas better. They say we'll finally leave Texas tomorrow. It's a really big place with really big bunnies called horses!!

G’nite, Carly

Hello Carly,

As I answer your report you are probably stacking ZZZ’s while basking in that giant traveling window. So relieved to hear the female human got her deodorant situation taken care of. Bummer on that short leash though, little buddy...that has got to cramp your style. Better luck next stop, just try and be sneakier about it so you at least get one quick sniff in before she yanks yer chain.

Bet you wish you could have video taped the changing of the drivers’ routine. The Mrs. Takes the wheel, the Mister starts squirming in his co-pilot seat cuz he thinks he can do it better…..guessin’ cuz he’s a he?! I mean, c’mon Carly, we both know the woman can drive...anybody who holds a world’s record for the most speeding tickets in a pigmy size car has got to know how to drive.

Now about the bunnies….you have got to be a bit more cautious while away from your home turf. Not every furry critter you see is going to be a bunny...plus the fact that grassy areas can be filled with stickers, goat heads, bad stuff! Very painful paw inflictions - you do not want to go there, trust me!!! So stick to your window watching, it’s much safer.

Happy Sniffs, Sr. VC

THE CARLY REPORT

For a change in direction we are going to blog about a canine friend of mine who has just emBARKed on a road trip from Arizona to Pennsylvania. Carly is half Beagle, half Chihuahua and has a first class co-pilot seating arrangement in the huge windshield of her human’s RV. So I mentioned taking me along via computer on her trip and as long as her humans can get a computer connection when they rest for the night I should hear a nightly report. I thought it would be fun to share with the rest of you. They just left yesterday and the following is Carly’s first report followed by my response:

Dear Sister Very Catty,

I thought I'd write and tell you about a trip we are taking in hopes you'll be able to add some shuggestions. I am a Canine type critter, specifically a "Cheagle". Today my humans have started a cross country trip in a rolling tin can they call an Arr Vee. I like to ride up in the front window where I can watch for any rabbits. My beagle half would love to chase some rabbits but my leash is never long enough. They must be inneresting critters though because I can smell it from the poop they leave in the soccer fields at the park. We had a very long trip the first day and stopped for the night in some land called "Texas". All I can say about it is it's horribly hot. My human's talking-moving picture thingy, called a TeeVee said it was some kinda heat wave but from the short stubby trees, I'm thinking it must be heat waved here a lot. It took the cooling box on the tin can 3 hours to cool it down to the mid 80's. After the sun went down and it still wasn't cool in here my guy human went out and sprayed water all over the outside of the tin can. I think it might have helped. He's been in a pretty good mood for being so hot but my girl human has been horrible!. Not just the heat because I certainly cooled myself down by rolling in the cool damp grass just outside the tin can and then in the dirt. Man! did she loose it! She rubbed me down all over with some kind of wipes. Seems she thought I should continue to smell the way I did after she gave me a bath yesterday before starting this trip. Personally I think the dirt and grass smelled goooood! Then, because it was soo hot in the tin can she tried to sit outside in the shade but she got bit several times by the monster flies which live here. They bit me too but I didn't complain. I did eat one though - I'm fast!. Anyway she continued to bitch about how bad it itched and hurt and smeared some kinda stuff on it which didn't help. I made the mistake of asking her to type a letter but that led to a whole bunch more bitching. It took over 30 minutes to "get on" the computer connection. Her bitching used the term Dee Ess El which she said stood for something called Damn Slow Lard-ass system. Man was she mad! It took her so long that I fell asleep on the bench next to her. She also had something called a "Vodka Collins" which usually mellows her out but it didn't work this time. Then she goes and takes a cool shower to chill out and got out complaining about having forgotten to pack something called Dee OO Der Ant. I offered to let her use the wipes :)

Dear Carly,

Well, hang tight, little buddy….this was just the first day and you have a lot of miles to go yet. For starters I’m guessing you should probably cease the drop and roll with the grass and dirt combo...maybe check for clean, dry grass first or you’ll be enjoying more of those wipes. You do realize humans use those wipes on baby’s butts, right?

I gotta hand it to you though....offering up the wipes cuz she forgot her deodorant...touché’!

Next time maybe she’ll follow your lead and try the grass roll herself. Kiss Texas good-bye and here’s hoping tonight’s stay will be in a cooler place…..but then it is summertime so good luck with that. Give the humans another day or two to adjust to this roady lifestyle and then maybe they won’t be so high maintenance. Make her Vodka Collins a double next time!

Happy Trails!

SAY GOOD-BYE TO MAY & OPRAH

Well, another month has come and gone and once again it’s been awhile since my last blog. It’s not like I don’t have anything to say, so no worries there. I’ll blame part of my delay on my typist...talking her into typing for me is almost worse than getting her to clean my litter box at times. In fact, I really think she’d prefer to scoop poop than type. I’ve told her over and over, if I just had thumbs I’d do it myself. But then again, when I watch her type..ha..she only uses two fingers anyway and neither being her thumbs so figure that one out.

The other part of my blogging absence is that I have actually been writing. I’ve decided my views on life ought to be shared beyond this blog bantering so I have begun a series of mini books that I hope to offer for a small nominal fee right here on my blog. Of course, I write this now and who knows how long before I can make that happen.

I mean I’m great at putting my thoughts on paper, heaven knows the BS constantly flows, but the process of getting it from here to there could take an eternity. A technical genius I am not and neither is my typist...and let’s praise the higher sources for spell-check! You must realize that while my blog looks pretty cool, it involved a whole lot of profanity and frustration to get it this far. So to add my mini series to one side of the blog...well, we can only imagine what’s involved so hold your ears but not your breath.

Anyway, I have completed books 1 and 2 and am halfway in to book 3. My dream is to not only have these itty bitty books available, but also a selection of greeting cards and perhaps Tee shirts depicting some of my more classic inspirations, as well. Let’s face it...life offers so much on a daily basis that I finally decided to deal with it by sharing my caustic views with the rest of you.

In the meantime, are we all coping now that the Big O is gone? Good grief, oh what will the viewers do without her? And, what did you say? No hand-outs, no books, no cars? Too funny. Bye-Bye now!!

And aren’t we just all tickled pink to learn Kim Kardasheiswho is engaged? Sporting a ring who’s carats number is probably higher than her IQ. Who are these characters and why do they think we care?

Okay, so maybe I’m just crabby because my DWTS is over until next season. This is just the first week and I’m already going through withdrawals. And, Max, if you’re out there, please come back again. I so wanted Kirstie to win...my home town gal, and I had the typing pecker here vote every week using two phones...so we tried. Hines deserved to win though, he was so fun to watch. They really had some genuine dancers this year.

Okay, I shall bid you ado for now and post before it turns to June in some other time zone than my own.

Until next blog,

Blessings,

Sister Very Catty

MERCURY RETROGRADE REPORT

Since Mercury went direct I feel better about writing the following blog. Last thing I’d want to do is confuse the human race any further and this comes from a cat who knows where she’s at, of course. Since I’ve had numerous inquiries about the Mercury Retrograde I thought I’d just blog about it. We just went through one from March 28th until April 23rd and I watched my step wherever I traveled.

First off let me ask you to ponder the following questions….

Have you ever lost something (besides your mind) like say a piece of jewelry, an important contract, the car keys, your shoes, your way, anything? Have you ever mailed a letter and it gets returned to you because you neglected to put on postage? Ever fax something to the wrong office, forget to pay a bill, get lost in your own neighborhood? Completely misconstrued something someone said? Write something bad about someone and then accidentally email it to them? Or how about something electrical that goes on the fritz? Computer crashes, your blender won’t mix your margarita, toaster burnt your breakfast, made a special trip to the store then returned home only to discover the one thing you went for you forgot?

Does it help to know these things happen to everyone? I didn’t think so but figured I’d give it a shot.

What if I told you there’s a very good explanation as to why these incidental screw ups occur and they happen to all of us? Would that help? Well, listen up anyway, keep an open mind and next time things seemed to get fouled up check the astrology charts and see if Mercury is retrograde! You can even Google it!

You see Mercury is the planet that governs communication, also known as the planet of intelligence. Knowing that should help make even better sense when I tell you that approximately three times a year this planet goes retrograde.

In other words, it appears to turn around and go backwards and does so for about three weeks at a time. It isn’t really going backwards, it’s merely an optical illusion based on the relative speeds and orbits of the Earth and Mercury around the Sun. When Mercury starts turning in this apparent backward motion, we start to feel the effects.

Consequently anything involving communication is subject to a misfire. Thus, the letter doesn’t get mailed to the right address, the sink backs up, car battery dies, you lose your way home, you forget to feed the cat...OMG!!!

You get the picture? Good, but do not forget to feed the cat!

So best advice is to become aware of these retrograde occurrences, never take anything for granted and double-check yourself with any form of communication. Bite your tongue, really think before you speak, do not mail the mortgage payment to the phone company, do put gas in the car, air in the tires, not the other way around. Just realize that from time to time you merely need to slow down and back track yourself a little bit and prioritize things.

Now mark your calendars and be aware of the two remaining retrogrades for 2011...August 2nd to the 26th and then November 24th to December 13th.

Happy Trails Star Gazers...now be sure and feed your cat!

Blessings,

Sister VC

CAT-ASTROLOGY ANYONE?

Holy Whiskers...where the devil have I been since January 11th? I suspect I've been spending too much time answering emails and consequently neglecting to blog my literary genius for you to read. My humble apologies to any who give a hoot. Anyone?

Meantime, my emails have kept me busy in an astrological direction and since astrology happens to be a passion of mine, I always welcome any chance to discuss the subject. So when these inquiries come in regarding a particular birth sign or perhaps a question regarding one of the planets, etc. I attempt to share what I've learned over time and interpret it in simple words. So I thought we'd just continue here with a letter that takes astrology in a canine direction.

Dear Sister Very Catty,

We recently adopted a little doggie from the Humane Society. She had been a stray picked up by the pound so no one really knows her actual birthday. The Humane Society vets estimated her age to be about two and a half years old, thus giving her a birthday of June 15, 2008.
I don't know if you do doggie horoscopes but don't know who else to ask. Is there any way you can tell me her sign based on her personality or verify if she matches the sign the Humane Society gave her?
If so I'll describe her personality: She's very sweet and loving, always wanting to be near me or my husband, even sleeps with us. Of course, she's very polite about it, waits to be invited up on to the bed every night. She's very dainty and "prances" when we take long walks together. She is very loyal and doesn't want to be away from us but also does well when left alone. She's very happy to see us upon return and brings us a toy. She waits patiently at the steps when she thinks we are leaving, in hopes she can go too, and for me to put on her leash. She waits patiently for her humans to finish eating and never comes to the table to beg, until invited to do so. She also seems very protective of her new humans and brave, facing very big dogs even though she's very little. She's very neat when she eats and drinks, not slobbering up the floor around her dish. She is also very smart, learns what is expected of her very quickly and just graduated from Beginner Obedience School.
Also, if you can figure out if the sign the Humane Society gave her actually matches her personality can you check for compatibility with us? We are a Pisces and a Virgo. We think she's perfect but would like verification.
Thank you,
Canine Lover in Tucson

Dear Canine Lover,

No cattiness intended here but going with your unbiased description of this newly adopted wonder dog, I'm not sure there is a sign available in the Zodiac with that much perfection to it. Sounds like it'd even be a stretch for a Virgo and we all know how nearly perfect they can be! However, for starters, let's just go with the date that the Humane Society sort of assigned this little critter...June 15th. This makes doggie a Gemini which represents a lively, energetic & versatile sort that easily adapts to new situations. No doubt she's very happy you bailed her out of the pound but sounds like she definitely adapted quickly to her new surroundings. As you may have already noticed, a Gemini pet can cast a spell on you unlike any magician could pull off. A quick learner and bound to be faithful but also at times possessive and inclined towards jealousy. Gemini's are many-sided and can be very quick in thought and action, and skillful at handling others. They are definite communicators and usually have a great gift of persuasion...so my guess is your new pet would have no problem wrapping you around her little paw.
Gemini is the sign of communication, ruled by the planet Mercury and they do want to impose their point of view on to others. So when approached by a bigger dog your potential Gemini-short-style will have no problem letting the bigger dog know who's who in her world. A Gemini is a natural when it comes to self expression so they actually have an easy time dealing with the public or an approaching big dog.
Yes, your doggie certainly seems to display traits of a Gemini....a natural charmer. It's right up her alley to know how to turn it on in order to gain access to the bed at night or score an occasional treat from the dinner table...by invitation only, of course! Now keep in mind that routine and monotony are two things this sign dreads so changing her walking route occasionally will make her very happy. She'll love exploring new territory and while she'll also love to travel, it's actually the traveling she prefers, not the destination.

Now, as far as compatibility with your signs...Pisces & Virgo...let's begin with the Virgo sign....
Both Gemini and Virgo are ruled by the planet Mercury meaning both have a mental approach towards life. But, as Fido Facts will have it, the similarity stops there. Virgo usually considers Gemini scatterbrained and immature and Gemini thinks of Virgo as a stick-in-the-mud and a bore. Virgos are critical and Gemini's are tactless....both should merely mind their manners around the other. Sounds like some good entertainment for the Pisces?

Now for the Gemini and Pisces combo...uh-huh, could be a couple issues with these two. Pisces is emotional and can be easily hurt by the sometimes thoughtless Gemini. The Gemini is mischievous and playful, but the Pisces is sensitive and takes things to heart. Each practices deception in their own way. So from my feline outlook, I'd recommend the Pisces not take anything the Gemini does personally...say, for instance an occasional, small in-discrepancy on the carpet. It is not to offend you at all, merely pee happens!

Now I must post this before my typist hits the wrong button and deletes this by accident or it gets lost in cyberspace....after all we are facing a Mercury Retrograde on Wednesday...the planet of communication. I've had plenty of inquiries regarding the subject so stay tuned and I'll try and explain it next blog.

Blessings to all,
SVC