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Sunday, April 25, 2010

COMING or GOING?

Ever notice how the days come and go so fast and the months just seem to fly on by? Being Sister VC of the Feline Order, I'm blessed with 9 lives so I can't lay claims to any rat races with time or having the feeling that I'm not keeping up. Usually I enjoy my 18-hour nap, nibble on some Meow Mix from time to time, read my e-mails, blog a bit, life is grand. However, the e-mail below tells of one who is not so sure if she's coming or going.

Dear Sister Very Catty,

I'm feeling a bit out of touch these days like I'm chasing my tail. With my daily commute to the office, I'm away from home 12 hours a day. 7 am to 7 pm only leaves me with a few hours in the evening to eat, read e-mails, get my clothes and lunch ready for the next day, exercise a little, then try and get at least 7 hours of sleep or I'm completely worthless the next day. It's no wonder I feel cramped for time, plus I just turned fifty-five and now I nod off when I try to relax and watch a little TV.

As far as the week-ends I find myself spending a lot of time with my ex-husband. Since I finally made it clear to him via divorce that I can no longer tolerate his whiny negativity, he's become the guy I wish he'd been while we were married. I have no delusions of grandeur here but I do enjoy his company...for as long as he can keep this attitude up.

My time at the office, however, holds a bit of a challenge for me. In spite of having to work with a woman with a most unpleasant disposition, I remain the professional that I am. To top this off I have a wonderful boss, he has great work ethics- just questionable morals. A very pleasant personality, knows the business, a joy to work with but I have to wonder what his wife would think of his putting the moves on me every opportunity he finds. I have been extremely open and blunt about my lack of any interest whatsoever but that seems to have absolutely no bearing on his desires.

Open to suggestions!
Signed,
Tired in Texas


Dear Tired,

No wonder you're tired. Sounds to me like you're not the only one in purr-suit of your tail.

A day consists of 24 hours and you're down by half with the commuting to and from the office. Between the 7 hours you require for sleep, your evening chores, and geez, let's not leave out those trips to the kitty box, doing dishes after dinner much less the preparation, the moments it takes to come to in the morning, rolling out of bed, painting your face, doing your hair...well, that clock just keeps right on ticking doesn't it?

Turning fifty-five has nothing to do with your feeling tired. Trust me...I can see it from here. Take that 12 hours for instance. You must enjoy the job since you tolerate a bit of a time-robbing commute, so let's focus on the actual time spent in the office. Let's face it, it just wouldn't be a complete office without the proverbial, overbearing, anal-retentive personality on board so no real suggestions for you in that direction.

My focus would be steered more towards the bozo chasing you around the desk where the word 'no' does not compute. Hmmm, compels one to inquire as to where on your resume it states you're applying for a position stroking someone's ego? Under objective did you put 'Desperate, willing to settle for some other woman's pain-in-the-ass'? I thought not.

Why is it that certain individuals will continue to bark up the wrong tree time after time when they've continually been denied access? Is it a sense of entitlement because they hold the highest position in the company, or perhaps a part of the male anatomy is doing the thinking while the body is doing the pursuing?

As far as hanging out with the ex, it's familiar territory and no doubt offers comfort after your week in the offices of Bitchy, Horny & Help-Me.

So my dear Tail Chaser, this is where your energy is being depleted but stay strong sister and hope like hell this too shall pass!

Blessings!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

What oh What Will He Do?

Recently my in-box held quite an engaging query and I'd like to share it with you. Sometimes it does one good to know there are others out there in the world in deeper caca than one's self.

Confused in Phoenix wrote the following:

Sister Very Catty,
I am a middle-aged, divorced man who has found someone I think I may want to spend the rest of my life with. She is a wonderful woman but my problem is her parents and my past. Her Father is a minister and her Mother has a Doctorate in Theology. They are very opinionated and mostly intolerant of other life styles.

I have told my new woman friend that my wife left me for another woman, and I've told her that my son has undergone a sex change and is now Melissa instead of Mark. Also, I've told her about my two brothers that are serving time for bilking seniors out of the retirement monies and I've even told her about how my mother died of AIDS. But, I haven't told her the most troubling thing of all. Should I tell her that my sister is a Republican Congresswoman?

Dear Confused,

Seems to me the woman's got spunk if she's still around after what all you've shared so far.

Your having had to deal with a child who wasn't satisfied with what nature provided him/her. the bamboozling brothers, your mother...well, we won't speak ill of the dead, and your ex jumping ship certainly should have prepared you for most anything.

So, regarding your new lady's parents...the Reverend High and Dr. Mighty...make it clear from the get-go that you worship at the Most Unholy Church of Idontgiveacrap and for the sake of the relationship, kindly ask your lady to run interception so you can just avoid them at all costs.

Now, as far as sister deal breaker, merely explain that she is possessed and currently on a waiting list for an exorcism.

Blessings to all!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Dear Disciples...

Okay, that word threw me too until I verified that it can also mean followers. Either word...let's not be so formal here, after all, this is a blog not a bible.

So, on that note, instead of having the typical "Followers" section on the right of the page we're going to call this one the "COOL CAT CLUB".

Please sign on and join the club where there are no fees, no meetings, no fund-raisers, just fun. Trust me, if you are a regular follower, you're automatically ordained a cool cat!

Besides, being Sister Very Catty, I need some peace of mind that somewhere somebody out there is reading this blog, therefore lessening the concern I have that I'm just talking to myself...again.

I'll be honest here and confess that I am under the belief that what the world needs is one more advice column so all I want to do is help people get through life's little trials and tribulations...by making little of them!

Simply send me an e-mail and I'll do my best to make light of life's BS:

sistervc2@gmail.com

As you may have read some of them below I do post the e-mails from time to time. Not to worry, bitch all you want because all names are always changed to protect the guilty or innocent, whichever the case may be.

Blessings to all!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Blessings to All

Happy Easter!

Here's hoping all those pretty colored little eggs are found today and not six months from now!

Blessings!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Well, Have You??

Recently someone wrote me asking if I had seen the latest TV commercial talking about yet another very personal subject matter. Believe me, it's worth bitching about!

Pee-Ode in Portland writes:

Dear Sister Very Catty,

The other day on television a commercial came on where the announcer asks, "Have you experienced it yet?" LBL. So what the hell is LBL you ask? Well, as unbelievably stupid as it sounds it means light bladder leakage.

As if PMS wasn't bad enough...my complaint is that by the time this latest media dribble flows from every direction, the entire world is going to think that every time a gal laughs, she wets her pants! Is there no end to this? And I thought it was embarrassing enough growing up seeing Jane Russell and her mega sized bras!

Dear Pee-Ode,

You're absolutely justified in your disgust with all the television commercial propaganda goings on. By the time that particular one saturates the public it will indeed seem like a common occurrence that anyone who laughs or sneezes or coughs will experience LBL right there in front of everyone around them. Are they pushing sales for Depends or things with wings?

It is so out of control...what a serious lack of human decency, no privacy, absolutely nothing sacred anymore concerning bodily functions. Let's get it all out in the open and on national TV and shove it at John Q Public every chance possible.

For crying out loud, where on earth do they come up with these ridiculous terms? Who invents this malarkey? Just how scientific does LBL sound anyway? Why not CHI instead...couldn't hold it? Or maybe oops or an ought-oh...everyone understands that without further question. LBL...are we sure that couldn't also stand for light bowel...well, you catch my drift.

What would we do without all the miraculous solutions available for PMS, ADHD, PAD, ED, IBS, occasional irregularity, and now LBL. You can whiten your teeth, grow more eyelashes, trim your thighs, even make Mr. Winky wake up.

Think about it...just imagine for a minute that an individual from another planet looked in on our universe and tuned in to daytime television. What a selection he'll find with a multitude of infomercials or constant interruptions to any regularly scheduled programming.

For example, one channel displays a rather scrawny looking 20 something female in skin tight short shorts moving about on some sort of mechanical apparatus. Skin and bones, my guess is she's exercising to disappear. Where's the fat, middle-aged sweaty dude that could really benefit from such an invention? Let's make it real.

How about those facial creams being shown on what looks to be a 14 year old who's pre-acne skin has barely reached puberty? What a way to not sell a product! Re-wind, back-up, erase those non-existent facial creases so soon she'll look 8. Again, where's the weather-beaten menopausal mother of a litter with real wrinkles she's proudly earned?

Then there's the ads for those over 35, those over 50, the depressed, the I need to quit smoking, and what about Medicare, burial insurance, how's your cholesterol, suffered heartburn lately, oh and for goodness sake, swap insurance companies because breaking up is hard to do and we all need to silence the annoying brunette before she drives the gecko insane right in front of the General! It's no wonder people suffer from IBS. Watching these commercials is depressing enough!!!

Also, for this sex-crazed planet you've got your magical products for erectile dysfunction, or perhaps you'd prefer the extendo-plan and mustn't forget the his and her KY jelly. Don't we all love to see the salt & pepper-haired gentleman sitting there talking to the Mrs. about"kicking it up a notch". Now that's something we all want to hear being discussed on national TV first thing in the morning. How does a parent explain to the kid eating his Cheerios before the school bus arrives? Where did Captain Kangaroo go? Howdy Doody come back!

I realize everyone needs to make a living but don't you wonder what they pay these actors to perform these crazy advertisements? Particularly the woman walking along in an airport telling the other woman, "Yeah, diarrhea, constipation, bloating, that's me!" Not only can she not make up her mind, she has no shame at all.

Now the commercials are one thing but how's about all the wonderful prescriptions out there being shoved at you to help fix these little human problems and complaints? Take at your own risk! Check out the side effects people...that list of goodies is way longer than the benefit list. Don't forget now if itching, burning, light-headedness, forgetfulness, puking, discharge, pregnancy or death occur call the idiot that prescribed it for you immediately so he can give you the 1-800-I-don't-care number.

Best advice...fast-forward to a good commercial-free book!