Well, Have You??

Recently someone wrote me asking if I had seen the latest TV commercial talking about yet another very personal subject matter. Believe me, it's worth bitching about!

Pee-Ode in Portland writes:

Dear Sister Very Catty,

The other day on television a commercial came on where the announcer asks, "Have you experienced it yet?" LBL. So what the hell is LBL you ask? Well, as unbelievably stupid as it sounds it means light bladder leakage.

As if PMS wasn't bad enough...my complaint is that by the time this latest media dribble flows from every direction, the entire world is going to think that every time a gal laughs, she wets her pants! Is there no end to this? And I thought it was embarrassing enough growing up seeing Jane Russell and her mega sized bras!

Dear Pee-Ode,

You're absolutely justified in your disgust with all the television commercial propaganda goings on. By the time that particular one saturates the public it will indeed seem like a common occurrence that anyone who laughs or sneezes or coughs will experience LBL right there in front of everyone around them. Are they pushing sales for Depends or things with wings?

It is so out of control...what a serious lack of human decency, no privacy, absolutely nothing sacred anymore concerning bodily functions. Let's get it all out in the open and on national TV and shove it at John Q Public every chance possible.

For crying out loud, where on earth do they come up with these ridiculous terms? Who invents this malarkey? Just how scientific does LBL sound anyway? Why not CHI instead...couldn't hold it? Or maybe oops or an ought-oh...everyone understands that without further question. LBL...are we sure that couldn't also stand for light bowel...well, you catch my drift.

What would we do without all the miraculous solutions available for PMS, ADHD, PAD, ED, IBS, occasional irregularity, and now LBL. You can whiten your teeth, grow more eyelashes, trim your thighs, even make Mr. Winky wake up.

Think about it...just imagine for a minute that an individual from another planet looked in on our universe and tuned in to daytime television. What a selection he'll find with a multitude of infomercials or constant interruptions to any regularly scheduled programming.

For example, one channel displays a rather scrawny looking 20 something female in skin tight short shorts moving about on some sort of mechanical apparatus. Skin and bones, my guess is she's exercising to disappear. Where's the fat, middle-aged sweaty dude that could really benefit from such an invention? Let's make it real.

How about those facial creams being shown on what looks to be a 14 year old who's pre-acne skin has barely reached puberty? What a way to not sell a product! Re-wind, back-up, erase those non-existent facial creases so soon she'll look 8. Again, where's the weather-beaten menopausal mother of a litter with real wrinkles she's proudly earned?

Then there's the ads for those over 35, those over 50, the depressed, the I need to quit smoking, and what about Medicare, burial insurance, how's your cholesterol, suffered heartburn lately, oh and for goodness sake, swap insurance companies because breaking up is hard to do and we all need to silence the annoying brunette before she drives the gecko insane right in front of the General! It's no wonder people suffer from IBS. Watching these commercials is depressing enough!!!

Also, for this sex-crazed planet you've got your magical products for erectile dysfunction, or perhaps you'd prefer the extendo-plan and mustn't forget the his and her KY jelly. Don't we all love to see the salt & pepper-haired gentleman sitting there talking to the Mrs. about"kicking it up a notch". Now that's something we all want to hear being discussed on national TV first thing in the morning. How does a parent explain to the kid eating his Cheerios before the school bus arrives? Where did Captain Kangaroo go? Howdy Doody come back!

I realize everyone needs to make a living but don't you wonder what they pay these actors to perform these crazy advertisements? Particularly the woman walking along in an airport telling the other woman, "Yeah, diarrhea, constipation, bloating, that's me!" Not only can she not make up her mind, she has no shame at all.

Now the commercials are one thing but how's about all the wonderful prescriptions out there being shoved at you to help fix these little human problems and complaints? Take at your own risk! Check out the side effects people...that list of goodies is way longer than the benefit list. Don't forget now if itching, burning, light-headedness, forgetfulness, puking, discharge, pregnancy or death occur call the idiot that prescribed it for you immediately so he can give you the 1-800-I-don't-care number.

Best advice...fast-forward to a good commercial-free book!